Today, I realized—and I wonder why it took me so long—that one of my friends is a judgmental, selfish prick.
I started working with this person last semester, and for a long while it seemed like a great friendship was going to come about. We got along great, had interesting conversations, and spent a good deal of time together.
The first red flag, which was actually more or a brightly flashing neon sign, came when I ran into some relationship troubles with a friend. I was interested in him, but he wasn’t at all interested in me. I, in an emotionally unsound state, got attached and clingy to him, and couldn’t seem to process my emotions properly.
During this stressful period, I turned to this friend for support, help, and advice. I received some mixed feedback, sometimes being egged on to continue trying for a relationship with this guy, sometimes being told to suck it up and get the fuck over it.
Then, shit hit the fan.
I distanced myself from this friend and the guy I liked in an attempt to figure out what was going on. The last piece of advice that this friend offered me was to “deal with it yourself, because no one else will.” (I later found out that this friend and others thought that I was becoming suicidal and alcoholic, which only aggravated me even more.)
A month passed, and I made an effort to patch things up and move on. I didn’t want to harbor any more negative emotions. Our friendship got better, and I felt happier again.
But yesterday, I ran into a bit of an emotional snag once again. I went to this friend for some advice again, telling them what happened and awaiting feedback. The only answers I got were “It sucks” and “It’s something only you can solve.” Her go-to “advice” seems to be “Don’t ask me for advice, no one can help you anyway.”
So, what did I do? I went to another friend for advice. And not only did he get me to cool down and think about things rationally, he gave me a fantastic piece of advice that, I think, will help me get through this emotional snag much easier and smoother than last time. And then I went to another friend, and got even more help and positivity to move forward. In fact, it seems like everything is going okay so far, but we’ll see.
After getting proper advice and support, I felt so much better. No more negative emotions! And so today, I went back to my old habits and just kept pushing forward, as always. I went to class, and afterwards met with this friend and a couple of other friends for lunch. We were sitting on a brick wall on campus, people walking to and from class in front of us. This friend started to make some rather annoying comments about the passers-by.
"Look at the way she walks, how weird."
"Oh, he’s twisting his torso so much."
After seeing an attractive young man with a tattoo on his arm passed, this friend mentioned that tattoos are “stupid fucking decisions” and they somehow reflect poorly on those who have them.
I mentioned it’s not necessarily true that people who have tattoos make stupid decisions, to which she responded “Yeah, but I can still have an opinion about it.” But it was more than an opinion, she was judging these strangers that she’d never once met in her life about things they were choosing to do with their own bodies (get tattoos, walk in particular ways, etc.).
I couldn’t take it, so I jumped off the wall and left. I kept thinking, “How could someone be so judgmental about people’s behaviors and choices?”
And then I realized it’s because she’s a pretty shitty person. She’s opinionated about things that mean nothing to her, and whether or not you asked for it she’s going to tell you about how she feels about it. She can’t empathize with others, and she seems to have almost an aversion to attempting to put herself in another person’s shoes.
Now, I’ll admit I’m no saint either. I have strong opinions, but I know when to bite my tongue, and I avidly make attempts to understand others’ points of view. She simply won’t. If you don’t function like her, either something is wrong with you or she ceases caring.
So I’m going to put on a friendly face around this person. I’m going to be kind and cordial. But I’m not going to put up with her shit anymore. I’m done with being around such a judgmental, inconsiderate, borderline ignorant person who doesn’t seem to realize that everyone comes with a different set of experiences, a different worldview, opinions that clash with our own.
From now on, she is not a friend but simply a person.